See! I told you.

Yep, that’s right I told you I have a short attention span and I believe I also mentioned that I have zero follow through.  So here it is a little over 2 weeks since my last post and I am just now getting around to an update.  I am glad to say that I haven’t just been sitting around watching TV.  I have actually been living.  Yes I said living.  Not in any grand type way, but in little ways that mean something only to myself.

I live in a small town.  A town that I never imagined myself to be living in when I was younger.  I saw myself in a big city, riding the subway, and working in a high rise building.  I never knew what type of career I would have, but I new it would be important and I would go to plays and concerts.  I would spend a lazy Sunday afternoon browsing in art galleries and museums.  Of course I do none of those things and it’s all because I live in this stupid small town.   A town where nothing happens.  A town where there is nothing to do.  A town so wrapped up in being a quaint tourist destination that it never stops to think about the people who live here full time.

Except, what if it wasn’t the where I lived that was the problem?  What if I was the problem?  What if waiting until I could live the life I imagined I would as a young woman was what was keeping me from having all that now?  In my previous post I spoke of a list of goals that I want to experience in my lifetime.  Well I am proud to say I have started to experience life for myself.

No, I haven’t gone to Alaska and I haven’t gone to SDCC.  I have started to learn ASL, although I am still on my A, B, C’s.  I can never seem to remember the sign for “R”.  But I am practicing everyday and hopefully in a month I will be ready to move on to practicing my finger spelling and then on to numbers, days, months, and other useful signs to have.

But the biggest life experience I have had in the past 2 weeks is that I participated in a Zombie Run.  Or rather my best friend and I took are kids and some of their friends to the Jacksonville (not where I live, but close) Zoo Spooktacular.   If you have never heard of Spooktacular it is an event that the local zoo puts on every year around Halloween.  They decorate the zoo and allow the public to come in the evening to walk through the zoo and get candy at the candy station and walk through areas that are decorated as the Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland, & Pirates of the Caribbean.

Stationed periodically throughout the zoo are what they call Scare Zones and it was there that I was able to experience one of the goals I mentioned in my previous post, Zombie Run.  Because it technically wasn’t a Zombie Run some may say that it doesn’t count.  Well I say bullshit.  It counts because of  a couple of things: 1. There were people dressed up as Zombies who sole mission it was to scare the people walking through that area.  2.  Because well, frankly I got spooked and at one point I was about to start walking faster until I realized that I had my daughter with me and I couldn’t leave her.

Now if you are wondering why this qualifies as living life or is a sign that I am letting go the life I imagined and embracing the life I have it would be because for years I have wanted to go to Spooktacular.  But I always found reasons why I couldn’t go.  It cost too much money.  I was tired from work.  I didn’t have the gas.  And the excuses went on and on and on.  Until this year that is.  This year I decided no more excuses.  No more talking myself out of it.  No more waiting for the perfect moment.  As it got closer to the day we were going the weather reports said it was going to rain and my best friend almost backed out.  At one point she even hinted that she might not go because of the threat of rain.

I will admit a part of me thought about cancelling and waiting until next year when the timing would be better.  But I decided that rain or no rain I was going.  Even if it meant we got rained on.  Even if it meant that the entire night ended up a wash I was still going.  Because either way I would be living life and not waiting for it.   And let me just say that I probably wont go to Spooktacular again.  Not that I didn’t have fun, because I did, but it was crowded, noisy, and you couldnt really see any animals.  And it was totally worth experiencing and I am so glad I went.  So remember that list?  I am thinking of expanding it.

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It’s time to get busy living or get busy dying

Do you know anyone that talks about stuff they want to do or places they want to go, but they never do them or go there?  I think I am turning in to one of those people and it scares the hell out of me.  I have this huge mental list of all these goals I want to accomplish and I haven’t done any of them.  I keep finding excuse after excuse to not do something.  Well I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of waiting for life to begin.  I mean what in the hell am I waiting for?  There is no such thing as the perfect time, place, or circumstance.  I know that.  Here are just a few goals I want to accomplish in my lifetime*:

1.  Learn American Sign Language

2.  Take a train trip across country

3.  See a Broadway show

4.  Learn to speak German fluently

5.  Earn my Master’s

6.  Be published

7.  Live in a foreign country for a year

8.  Travel through Europe

9.  Go to Alaska

10.  Read all 100 Greatest Novels

11.  Go to San Diego Comic Con

12.  Participate in a Zombie Walk

***List is subject to grow***

Now that I have the list in front of me I really don’t know what I have been waiting for, so I can either be one of those people who only talk about what they want to do or I can be one of those people who does them.  I think I know which one I want to be.

My Fatal Flaws

 I’m what you would call a dreamer. A big dreamer. Unfortunately I lack a few vital ingredients that to make my dreams come true.  To start with I’m lazy.  No, really I am.  Some people would call it being a procrastinator but the truth is I’m just lazy.  I don’t like that about myself. In fact I hate it and I have tried many times over the years to overcome that particular trait.  Unfortunately I have zero follow through on anything I do.  The only thing I have managed to stick with over the years is being a parent and a part of me believes that is because I’m too lazy to try and sell them on eBay.  I kid, I kid.  Maybe.  Plus I have been to jail, granted it wasn’t for a long period and the holding cell on Night Court was scarier and seedier then the place I was at, but still I don’t fancy myself on going back hence the need to follow through on being a parent.

But other than that one example I have zero follow through.  Don’t believe me? Fine.  This is the 4th possibly 5th blog that I have started in the past few years.  Two of my previous blogs actually led to some cool stuff and one of them led to a really cool opportunity.  Which I blew.  Not because I couldn’t handle it, but because I got lazy.  Oh sure I could blame it on my personal life getting too complicated or my work life going out of control.  Both of which were true…..and untrue.  Because if I weren’t lazy nothing would have stopped me from taking it as far as I could go.   If I had even an ounce of follow through I would have turned over every rock I could find to make me better and possibly end up with a career that I loved instead of having a job I need.

I find myself feeling envious of those families that sell everything, pack up their clothes, and drive out to California or hope a bus to New York just so they can pursue a dream that might not come true.  You have no idea how much I wish I was that type of person, one day I hope to be that person.  Which brings me to my third fatal flaw, over-thinking.

I can over-think anything.  It’s quite known with the people who know me that I hate making decisions.  And I do mean hate it.  I can come up with a pro and con for EVERYTHING.  Sometimes it’s easier when I don’t like something, but most often it doesn’t.  Because even if I don’t like whatever one of the choices are I might start worrying about what you want and which would be best for you that I end up simultaneously hoping that you choose for me and that you don’t choose the option I really don’t want.

I am trying to decide whether I should move my family from the nice, quiet, safe life I have in a place I never wanted to live to a place I have never been, with no built-in support system, and no way of knowing if I’m about to make a huge mistake.  I know it probably sounds like a very easy decision, but trust me it’s not.  More on that another time.  So there they are, my three fatal flaws.  Oh, I have more, but they all branch off from the three biggies.  Hopefully one day I will be rid of them.