My love for Lost has led to a new obsession

  On September 22, 2004 my life was forever changed with the premiere of Lost.  Correction, that is not true, my life wasn’t changed that day.  No, it was actually changed 6 weeks from that date when I realized during “House of the Rising Son” that I was completely and irretrievably hooked on a show that centered around a bunch of castaways stranded on a strange island.  I first came to know Lost because of my love for Lord of the Rings and one hobbit by the name of Meriadoc Brandybuck played by Dominic Monaghan.  Damn, I am lying again.  I actually preferred Peregin “Pippen” Took, but I did love and was obsessed with LotR so I would be damned if I wasn’t going to watch a show that featured one of the hobbits I had come to love so much.

During the years that Lost was on I would watch the show live faithfully each week while sitting with my legs crossed on the middle cushion of my couch hanging on every word.  I was there when we discovered there were “Others” (I still heart Ethan and think the fight scene between William Mapother & Matthew Fox was one of the best on television).  I was there when Henry Gale dropped in to say hello and reek havoc.  I was there and cried hysterically when it seemed certain that Charlie was swimming to his certain death.  I cheered when the writers realized their mistake in bringing on Nikki & Paolo and then proceeded to give them one of the best send-offs I have ever seen.  I adored Rose and Bernard and jumped out of my skin when Artz was carrying the dynamite back from the Black Rock and ended up blowing himself up in the process.

So yeah I loved the show, but what I also loved about Lost was that through the show I met others who geeked out over television shows, movies, books, games, and so forth and so on.  We started by rehashing what we loved about that week’s episode or what we hated and we finished by being friends who accepts each other for our nerdy ways.  When the series finale aired on May 23, 2010 I for one was satisfied that my favorite characters were finally able to go home together.  I didn’t care if all the mysteries weren’t answered, for me the show was never about the mysteries.  It was about Locke, Jack, Kate, Charlie, Juliet, Hurley, Boone, Shannon, Sayid, Michael, Walt, Jin, Sun, Sawyer, Claire, and all the other characters that brought the island to life.

Now once it was over I knew the show would live on in my heart forever and that I would remember it fondly, but I didn’t know how much I would come to think about the show.  Oddly, and probably fittingly, enough I became obsessed with putting together a Lost bag.  What is a Lost bag you ask? Well I will tell you.  A Lost bag is a bag full of stuff you would like to have with you in case you ever get stranded on a strange island or perhaps stuck in a traffic jam or some place equally isolating.  Now why I would ever need a Lost bag is not the point.  The point is that I feel I must have one.  Even if it just sits in the trunk of my car, I will feel better knowing that it is there.

At first I thought a backpack would be the perfect bag to hold my supplies, but I was basing that off of what if I really was stranded on a deserted island and lets get real the chance of that ever happening is nil.  So I have had to be a little bit more practical.  And to that I give you:

  Is that not the most perfect bag?  Yeah I thought so too.  It will fit perfectly in the trunk of my car.  Plus I can very easily take it with me on a plane or a train.  It could probably go on a ship as well, but considering I get very sea sick I won’t have the chance to test that theory out.  So now that I have the bag picked out (and yes it really did take me all this time to settle on this bag) I can start thinking of stuff that I want to put in my Lost bag.  Which as we all know is the hardest part of all.  Hopefully I will be able to fill it in less time than it took me to find the bag.

See! I told you.

Yep, that’s right I told you I have a short attention span and I believe I also mentioned that I have zero follow through.  So here it is a little over 2 weeks since my last post and I am just now getting around to an update.  I am glad to say that I haven’t just been sitting around watching TV.  I have actually been living.  Yes I said living.  Not in any grand type way, but in little ways that mean something only to myself.

I live in a small town.  A town that I never imagined myself to be living in when I was younger.  I saw myself in a big city, riding the subway, and working in a high rise building.  I never knew what type of career I would have, but I new it would be important and I would go to plays and concerts.  I would spend a lazy Sunday afternoon browsing in art galleries and museums.  Of course I do none of those things and it’s all because I live in this stupid small town.   A town where nothing happens.  A town where there is nothing to do.  A town so wrapped up in being a quaint tourist destination that it never stops to think about the people who live here full time.

Except, what if it wasn’t the where I lived that was the problem?  What if I was the problem?  What if waiting until I could live the life I imagined I would as a young woman was what was keeping me from having all that now?  In my previous post I spoke of a list of goals that I want to experience in my lifetime.  Well I am proud to say I have started to experience life for myself.

No, I haven’t gone to Alaska and I haven’t gone to SDCC.  I have started to learn ASL, although I am still on my A, B, C’s.  I can never seem to remember the sign for “R”.  But I am practicing everyday and hopefully in a month I will be ready to move on to practicing my finger spelling and then on to numbers, days, months, and other useful signs to have.

But the biggest life experience I have had in the past 2 weeks is that I participated in a Zombie Run.  Or rather my best friend and I took are kids and some of their friends to the Jacksonville (not where I live, but close) Zoo Spooktacular.   If you have never heard of Spooktacular it is an event that the local zoo puts on every year around Halloween.  They decorate the zoo and allow the public to come in the evening to walk through the zoo and get candy at the candy station and walk through areas that are decorated as the Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland, & Pirates of the Caribbean.

Stationed periodically throughout the zoo are what they call Scare Zones and it was there that I was able to experience one of the goals I mentioned in my previous post, Zombie Run.  Because it technically wasn’t a Zombie Run some may say that it doesn’t count.  Well I say bullshit.  It counts because of  a couple of things: 1. There were people dressed up as Zombies who sole mission it was to scare the people walking through that area.  2.  Because well, frankly I got spooked and at one point I was about to start walking faster until I realized that I had my daughter with me and I couldn’t leave her.

Now if you are wondering why this qualifies as living life or is a sign that I am letting go the life I imagined and embracing the life I have it would be because for years I have wanted to go to Spooktacular.  But I always found reasons why I couldn’t go.  It cost too much money.  I was tired from work.  I didn’t have the gas.  And the excuses went on and on and on.  Until this year that is.  This year I decided no more excuses.  No more talking myself out of it.  No more waiting for the perfect moment.  As it got closer to the day we were going the weather reports said it was going to rain and my best friend almost backed out.  At one point she even hinted that she might not go because of the threat of rain.

I will admit a part of me thought about cancelling and waiting until next year when the timing would be better.  But I decided that rain or no rain I was going.  Even if it meant we got rained on.  Even if it meant that the entire night ended up a wash I was still going.  Because either way I would be living life and not waiting for it.   And let me just say that I probably wont go to Spooktacular again.  Not that I didn’t have fun, because I did, but it was crowded, noisy, and you couldnt really see any animals.  And it was totally worth experiencing and I am so glad I went.  So remember that list?  I am thinking of expanding it.

It’s time to get busy living or get busy dying

Do you know anyone that talks about stuff they want to do or places they want to go, but they never do them or go there?  I think I am turning in to one of those people and it scares the hell out of me.  I have this huge mental list of all these goals I want to accomplish and I haven’t done any of them.  I keep finding excuse after excuse to not do something.  Well I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of waiting for life to begin.  I mean what in the hell am I waiting for?  There is no such thing as the perfect time, place, or circumstance.  I know that.  Here are just a few goals I want to accomplish in my lifetime*:

1.  Learn American Sign Language

2.  Take a train trip across country

3.  See a Broadway show

4.  Learn to speak German fluently

5.  Earn my Master’s

6.  Be published

7.  Live in a foreign country for a year

8.  Travel through Europe

9.  Go to Alaska

10.  Read all 100 Greatest Novels

11.  Go to San Diego Comic Con

12.  Participate in a Zombie Walk

***List is subject to grow***

Now that I have the list in front of me I really don’t know what I have been waiting for, so I can either be one of those people who only talk about what they want to do or I can be one of those people who does them.  I think I know which one I want to be.

It’s all about the fiscal responsibilty

 I am embarassed to admit that although I may live within my paycheck 99% of the time there are those times that I don’t.  I am one of those 47% that you here so much about in the news now a days.  Now I would like to point out that I do pay taxes.  Ok yes they are income taxes, sales taxes, Medicare, & SSI taxes, but they are still taxes.  No, I don’t own property and my 401k isn’t much to sneeze at and my savings account is there in name only, but I do pay my rent on time, my bank loves me because I have bought and paid for 4 cars over the years, and every loan that I have received I have paid off early.  So far you are probably wondering what the problem is and you would be right it doesn’t seem like there is much of a problem.  Except that I have medical bills and a couple of credit card bills that I knew I shouldnt get but I ignored that voice in my head and got them anyways.  I know, I know, stupid me.

I live paycheck to paycheck, not because I don’t make enough to cover my bills or take care of my children, I do.  I live paycheck to paycheck because the cost of everything is going up faster than my paycheck does.  If you are wondering if I went to college, I did.  Unfortunately I discovered soon after that most of the jobs I could get with a BA in History I don’t particulary like.  Trust me you don’t want me being in charge of your children’s education.  You think we have an education problem now, let someone like me teach them.  I also live paycheck to paycheck because I am horrible with money.  No, it’ s true I am.  And not in the traditional sense that I spend money on smartphones, big screen tv’s, or stuff like that.  I guess you could say that Im pretty low maintenance.  Sure there are alot of things I wouldn’t mind having (for instance a nice, new Ipad) but if I never have one then I’m ok with that too.  But basically as long as my rent is paid, the frig is full, and there is a good show qued up on Netflix I’m a happy gal.  Netflix can be replaced with good book, good friends, goofing off with the minions, or Star Wars marathon.

I am horrible with money because I am always worried about the month when things are bad and money is super tight.  As in Pennywise (nickname I gave to my eldest minion on Twitter to protect his privacy because of a picture I took) having a growth-spurt (that has yet to happen, his growth has always been slow & steady & yet I still worry) and having no money to buy him clothes.  Or Cujo (my youngest minion and the nickname is for the same reason as mentioned above) deciding she just has to be a part of a new club at school or play a new sport because she is your typical Type A over-achieving personality and not being able to afford new soccer cleats.  Because I am constantly worried about the month when I can’t provide these things for my minions I am obsessed with making sure they have those things.  So I buy Pennywise clothes in a bigger size in preparation for that time when he needs them or I buy Cujo a new pair of tennis shoes or cleats just in case she grows out of them too soon.  I buy can food in bulk because you never know when you wont be able to afford green beans or toliet paper, laundry detergent, or cereal.

When I get my income tax refund I pay off bills for up to 6 months and buy birthday and christmas presents months and months in advance just so I can make it through those lean months I call August-December.  Thanks to mother nature and my uncanny sense of timing I have school, birthdays, and holidays to get through in the span of 5 months so I spend those months balanced between broke and poverty unless I have already bought their clothes and/or presents.

Yes I know I am being insane and that having 6 months worth of toilet paper stocked up seems a bit excessive.  I realize that and still I cant help myself.  Like I said it’s an obsession.  If you are wondering why I am like that stay tuned for a future post because trust me it’s coming.

So now you know why I live paycheck to paycheck and have probably figured out why my medical bills and credit card bills end up going to the bottom of the Must Pay pile.  Hey I didn’t say it was the smart thing to do and I am not making excuses.  Before you ask, yes we do have medical insurance, but not everything is covered completely.

Congratulations (I always used to believe that was spelled Congradulations & a part of me still does. I’m stubborn that way)  you have made it to the point of my little blog entry.  I know took me long enough, right?  Well this morning I decided I was tired of having these outstanding bills hanging over my head.  Especially when you add them all up they don’t equal all that much.  Less than $4000.00 (that does not include my car payment).  So today I added all my medical bills and my 2 credit card bills to my web bill pay and sent a payment off to the smallest of them.  I have made it my mission to get these bills paid off.  Oh sure I may only be able to afford $10, $25, or $50 a paycheck (I doubt very much it will ever be $50 a paycheck) and it may take a while to pay them off, but pay them off I will.  Because like I said it’s all about the fiscal responsibilty.

My Fatal Flaws

 I’m what you would call a dreamer. A big dreamer. Unfortunately I lack a few vital ingredients that to make my dreams come true.  To start with I’m lazy.  No, really I am.  Some people would call it being a procrastinator but the truth is I’m just lazy.  I don’t like that about myself. In fact I hate it and I have tried many times over the years to overcome that particular trait.  Unfortunately I have zero follow through on anything I do.  The only thing I have managed to stick with over the years is being a parent and a part of me believes that is because I’m too lazy to try and sell them on eBay.  I kid, I kid.  Maybe.  Plus I have been to jail, granted it wasn’t for a long period and the holding cell on Night Court was scarier and seedier then the place I was at, but still I don’t fancy myself on going back hence the need to follow through on being a parent.

But other than that one example I have zero follow through.  Don’t believe me? Fine.  This is the 4th possibly 5th blog that I have started in the past few years.  Two of my previous blogs actually led to some cool stuff and one of them led to a really cool opportunity.  Which I blew.  Not because I couldn’t handle it, but because I got lazy.  Oh sure I could blame it on my personal life getting too complicated or my work life going out of control.  Both of which were true…..and untrue.  Because if I weren’t lazy nothing would have stopped me from taking it as far as I could go.   If I had even an ounce of follow through I would have turned over every rock I could find to make me better and possibly end up with a career that I loved instead of having a job I need.

I find myself feeling envious of those families that sell everything, pack up their clothes, and drive out to California or hope a bus to New York just so they can pursue a dream that might not come true.  You have no idea how much I wish I was that type of person, one day I hope to be that person.  Which brings me to my third fatal flaw, over-thinking.

I can over-think anything.  It’s quite known with the people who know me that I hate making decisions.  And I do mean hate it.  I can come up with a pro and con for EVERYTHING.  Sometimes it’s easier when I don’t like something, but most often it doesn’t.  Because even if I don’t like whatever one of the choices are I might start worrying about what you want and which would be best for you that I end up simultaneously hoping that you choose for me and that you don’t choose the option I really don’t want.

I am trying to decide whether I should move my family from the nice, quiet, safe life I have in a place I never wanted to live to a place I have never been, with no built-in support system, and no way of knowing if I’m about to make a huge mistake.  I know it probably sounds like a very easy decision, but trust me it’s not.  More on that another time.  So there they are, my three fatal flaws.  Oh, I have more, but they all branch off from the three biggies.  Hopefully one day I will be rid of them.

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